Fantastic Four-Rise of the Butth*le Surfer
Yes, the above is complete fantasy for such a conversation would never happen. The fantasy studio executive who actual questioned whether or not a script was worthwhile, well, despite what fantasies those Hollywood suits have, that doesn’t happen on the big budget films too often, or the quality would invariably be a least a little higher. What really makes this film a classic bit of Hollywood uber-trash is the director is Tim Story…Story and Payne you have to love it, as Rise of the Silver Surfer is indeed a Payneful story, to watch.
So what is this utter crap about? Mysterious, unexplored, unexplained force is heading to earth to devour earth in one big gulp. (No seriously.) The Silver Surfer is sort of this “bitch,” for lack of a better term, for this planet gulper and his job is to do all the prep work for the planet munching, oh yeah, that is what this is about. Of course, the Fantastic Four has to stop him and you can tell from every acting performance that they really truly care. Sure…sure they do. Jessica Alba acts as though she is going to vomit on nearly every line.
Rise of the Silver Surfer is one of the best examples to date of Hollywood’s contempt and seeming hatred of their audience and, to be frank, a lack of respect for themselves and the reputation of the industry. I mean that sincerely, they can’t care much about what others think of them now or in the future or they wouldn’t be so eager to put their names on these films.
To my amazement I have seen a decrease in the quality of these types of big budget films, just since I began reviewing at HDFEST. That is NOT fantastic, but it is amazing. Rise of the Silver Surfer is devoid of any real story, any real characters, any interesting or thought provoking ideas, notions, concepts, or dialogue. Just eye candy, nothing more. Wiz, zip, bang. Wiz, zip, bang. Over and over again. Unbearable? Almost, unbearable, but Rise of the Silver Surfer is just visually interesting enough to keep you from leaving the theater or fast forwarding, but that said this Payneful story from Tim Story is not fantastic, just amazingly awful and a sad commentary on what increasingly appears to be a broken industry in a state of decline.
Story D- (Payne, oh yes, Payne.)
Acting C- (Nearly every actor is this teeth clinching, wallet-lightening monstrosity seems to be annoyed by the stupidity of the script. But you can’t blame them for taking the money. At this point, we can only blame ourselves, the audience, specifically the parents who are too lazy to find decent entertainment for their kids and the dorks who go and see anything with DC or Marvel slapped on it no matter what utter crap it happens to be. If you expect lame quality, you get lame quality. I have to watch these kind of films knowing the statistical probability is high that they will suck, but unless you are a film reviewer or some freak is holding a gun to your head, you don’t have to go.)
Visuals A- (Rise of the Silver Surfer is really just one big visual and in this regards it works fine.)
Enjoyability Grade D (Pretty to look at, but....)
Home Theater/HD Factor B
Overall Grade D- (Incoherent, boring, goofy mess but Rise of the Silver Surfer brought in close to $300 million bucks by employing the age old formula of exploiting a high profile commodity such as The Fantastic Four and that is all the studio is EVER going to care about. If you even remotely like yourself avoid this film, as it is essentially expensive brain-numbing eye candy and little more.)