10,000 B.C.
By Jason Revill
I’m going to warn all you kids out there don’t even remotely think that you could go see 10,000 B.C. and write a history report. As hilarious as I find the prospect of some D&D playing nerd or meat headed jock doing that, I like to think that our education system hasn’t sunk to quite those levels. If only we had the resources to surpass the Finnish in education.
Not that it really matters, but 10,000 B.C. is about a young hunter, D’leh (Steven Strait), and his tribe in (you guessed it) 10,000 B.C. Well, really it’s more of a re-imagining of what that time period was like rather that an actual account based on historical record. Anyhoo, D’leh’s village is attacked by a group of raiders, who not only sack the village, but make off with a good number of their people including the love of our hero’s life, Evolet (Camilla Belle). Along with several of his fellow hunters, D’leh, sets out to walk over treacherous mountains, pass over impassable deserts; fight carnivorous birds, saber tooth tigers and wooly mammoths all in order to get back his woman and possibly fulfill a prophecy to bring down a empire while uniting all the worlds cultures into a single unifying goal. You know just like you learned in Anthropology 101. It’s all right there in the fossil record.
You can piss and moan about how bad 10,000 B.C. is, but no one ever said Roland Emmerich made good movies. What movie of his made you think this one was going to be any better than it was? Was it Universal Soldier? Or how about Independence Day? Or maybe it was Godzilla, The Patriot, or The Day After Tomorrow? Oh it’s the historical inaccuracies you don’t like. Well, yeah I guess it could have the realism the Emmerich’s film Stargate had. This is quite literally revisionist history, but what about the previews didn’t tell you that? The man’s movies just aren’t good, but let’s face it they are vehicles for CGI spectacle. And, let’s face it, there will always be room for spectacle in movie making, even if it’s big and dumb.
Had Emmerich been a more adept filmmaker he would have played up the mystical nature of the film. As it is, we see the prophecies unfold in more of a straight forward manner, so that we get the impression that this is some foolish primitive belief based mostly on coincidence. If we for one second could be lead to think that this was in fact some preordained destiny then some of anachronisms and made up facts wouldn’t be as glaring since 10,000 B.C. would play more as a fantasy. Those people who are actually dumb enough to think that they are smarter than everyone for knowing that people hadn’t domesticated wooly mammoths would hopefully catch on that this wasn’t remotely meant to be truthful.
Look, I don’t like to be put into the position of defending a movie like 10,000 B.C., but jumping on it because it’s easy to do is just stupid. It’s even more frustrating when last year at this time people seemed to really be enjoying the equally silly and far more homoerotic 300. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that this is in any way a good movie, but if you go want to see a goofy precursor to a summer blockbuster then 10,000 B.C. might make an enjoyable matinee. That being said, if you go at night and pay full price or rent it on DVD without having a giant television, you are going to be let down.
The Grade
- Story: C-
- Acting: C-
- Visuals: B
- Originality: B-
- Enjoyability: B
- Overall: C+
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