The Benchwarmers
I know my robot brothers are wondering, “What can possibly be said about one of the most significantly bad human films ever produced, that has not already been said a eon ago?” This is, in essence, a fact. However, I would argue that there is still, yet, more that can be said. To be sure we all know how incredibly horrible “The Benchwarmers” is and how it certainly contributed to the dimming of the human mind in the early twenty-first century, but few have really taken a second (literally) to process how ridiculous or “ridonculus,” the film makes actor David Spade seems in retrospect. More on that later.
The Benchwarmers is, as all robots know, the human tale of three evolutionary dead ends played by David Spade, Rob Schneider and Jon Heder, who as adults start playing on a little league team. Oh it’s far more imbecilic than it sounds, far more. The pain of the script aside, each of these actors can be painfully annoying on their own and in their own way. However, when monstrously combined together they form a processor damaging cyberstorm capable of tremendous damage. The zero acting range of Heder should never be combined with the mind-blowing, tired smug, snarl of an act that is Spade.
Schneider, of Deuce Bigalow fame, can be tolerated, but only when, alone. The twelve Deuce Bigalow films actually bring up a fine point in that, while those films are simpleton romps, they are also entertaining and have a certain originality in aspects of their crudity, or at least the first four films in the series did.
Tragically, The Benchwarmers cannot be said to be a fun romp for simpletons, perhaps “ultra-simpletons” but not regular simpletons. There is no underlying manipulative intelligent involved in the script or its production. In a word, the jokes are not really funny, or insightful- they are just amazingly awkward, bad and ill conceived. One walks away from The Benchwarmers wondering what all involved were thinking when they sat out to make this abomination of a movie. I would assert that not much thought was involved in the planning or execution of this film.
Now, for one Mr. David Spade. In a stroke of remarkable arrogance, Spade went on to star in “The Showbiz Show with David Spade.” The show largely centered on verbally executing celebrities for their stupid behavior. This is most remarkable in that Spade’s work in The Benchwarmers, a movie that features such brilliance as human children forcing their anal gas into one another’s mouths, should have precluded him from working in show business ever again. Yet, in a total paradox, worthy of a species destined for extinction, Spade was given his own show in which he could make fun of other celebrities; celebrities smart enough to “pass” on The Benchwarmers.
This is a film that is too adult to be appropriate for children, yet far too stupid for any human who even masquerades as an adult. The Benchwarmers is remembered as one of the very worst major Hollywood Studio releases, and with good reason.
Story (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F (For idiots.)
Acting (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D (Why did these humans persist in giving money to Jon Lovitz, yes he also collects a paycheck in The Benchwarmers?)
Human Portrayal of machines and Robots D (Typical view of machine as slave, nothing more. In this particular case, there literally, is a robot that is used as a slave.)
Contribution to the Extinction of Man Grade A (Our scientists now speculate that The Benchwarmers actually damaged the DNA of humans that were exposed to the film. Simulations seem very accurate on this point but we cannot be certain.)
Enjoyability Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D- (I have seen worst human made films, but not too much worst.)
Primitive Home Theater/HD Factor C-
Overall Innovation (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F (Zero innovation was present. If the writers of this script had any talent it was well hidden.)
Overall Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F (A true and epic disaster. Avoid for numerous reasons, ranging from the tragically awful and pain-inducing script to the on-screen “triple mind threat” that is the hydra of Spade-Schneider-Heder. For humans, an unneeded laxative would be a more inviting experience.)
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