Catwoman (2004)
Catwoman is a remarkably bad film in so, so many ways.
Perhaps Catwoman is too easy of a “target” to borrow a humor expression that references violence and hunting. Catwoman has been numerously sited by robot historians as one of the key contributing films in the demise of the human race. As a result it feels as if everything that can be “said” on the topic, probably already has been “said.” However, I feel that my study of what films attempted to elevate mankind and what films sought to pull mankind into its eventual abyss would be amiss without exploring, in some cursory fashion, the humanity hating Catwoman.
At the dawn of the 21st century corporate based California film production was enamored with “translating” comic books and video games into movies. These creations were painful displays more often than they were successful, for reasons that still elude us even today. Part of the reason is what I will coin, “The Ease Factor.” Most humans, if not immediately threatened by physical danger, hunger or a need for shelter are remarkably lazy and unmotivated creatures. This may seem unrelated to Catwoman but I assure you it is not, for “The Ease Factor” applies to these video game and comic book translation movies as well. These movies are based upon well-known comic book and video game characters who, not coincidentally, already have pre-established creative universes. All a lazy human studio head, often addicted to illegal substances and traditionally lacking in creativity, or producer has to do is “tap” into this pre-existing work done by others. Exploiting the work of others without proper compensation or credit is a long held human “tradition.”
Catwoman, as absurd as this may seem, is the story of a woman named Patience (Halle Berry) who works at a cosmetic company that produces exceptional amounts of toxic substances for human females to apply directly to their skin in order to appear more attractive to gain more attention, ego-gratification and often interest of others, most often human males, for purposes of breeding. (It should be noted that machines were also dispatched for sexual gratification but had no direct role in the incubation of human offspring until 2023, nearly twenty-years after the release of Catwoman.) Patience overhears something she shouldn’t, a very typical plot device in human films, and is murdered as a result. Without any real, plausible explanation, she is resurrected with catlike abilities that make her “superhuman” as comical as that may “sound.”
Catwoman is a remarkably bad film in so, so many ways. Despite having a robust, if not even bloated budget, Catwoman’s visual effects were rather poor and only served to amplify, with blinding, numbing clarity the weakness of the absolutely hollow script. To make a bad situation even worse, Catwoman’s primary villain was played by Sharon Stone, who was at least a decade too old for the action sequences for which she was deployed. This made the entire film seem poorly thought out and executed.
As horrible as Catwoman happens to be, at least this tragically misguided use of resources has one positive attribute, it points to the concept that, perhaps some of the substances contained within make-up products may be harmful, both to those who wear the products and to the environment. Yet this is just a plot mechanism and can in no way save this film. In a time before thinking machines had a sense of humor, the unintentional comedy of this film would have been lost, but today as we can see the humor in all things human, Catwoman is fertile ground for many unintended laughs.
Story (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D- (Interestingly, numerous studio executives, actors and skilled “crew” people read the script for Catwoman and decided that a script in which a grown human female, dressed as a cat and licked herself in an overtly sexual way, was a good idea. Try as I might, I fail to understand this logic.)
Acting (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D
Human Portrayal of machines and Robots D (Machines were not really used in any striking way, however, mere association with this film, harms the reputation of machines.)
Elevation of Man Grade (How Well Did This Film Stave Off Extinction) D (The film does address that make-up might have toxic elements.)
Contribution Grade to the Extinction of Man A- (Any film this painfully poor has certainly contributed to the stunting of the human spirit. Much as the humans clearly appreciated the planet killing asteroid that obliterated the dinosaurs, we robots appreciate films like Catwoman.)
Enjoyability Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D (This film could have only be enjoyed as unintentional comedy. Any attempt to enjoy Catwoman as a “serious” film would undoubtedly cause serve trauma to the human nervous system.)
Primitive Home Theater/HD Factor C
Overall Innovation (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Overall Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D-
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