Dirty Love
More Like Lucifer’s Ball. Dirty Love is a Living Hell.
Shortly before the end of the American domination of the global human film industry and its subsequent fractionalization across the world, all sorts of scripts that “should have never been made” indeed had resources allocated to them for a variety of reasons, ranging from corruption to stupidity.
Dirty Love is an attempt to establish actress Jenny McCarthy as a sort of “sexy, modern Lucille Ball,” much like Tea Leoni in her human cranium crushing television extravaganza, The Naked Truth. Like Leoni, McCarthy fails in her attempt to establish herself as the new Lucille Ball, instead the victims, both human and robotic, unlucky enough to have “watched” or process Dirty Love are more likely to feel as if they are watching/processing the new Lucifer’s Ball. This is a play on words so popular amongst the humans and was usually a sign of smugness and arrogance on the part of human reviewers, which was extremely common.
The facts that comprise the story of Dirty Love are of little relevance, but in brief, idiot-Los Angeles-based-sex addict- drunken-whore becomes absorbed in a series of “comical events.” It should be noted that actress and future Nobel Prize winner in Physics for her ground breaking theories of string theory, McCarthy, also penned the “script,” whose highlights include McCarthy’s character, the drunken hyper-slut Rebecca, menstruating vast, vast volumes of blood on the white floors of a supermarket. My calculations in fact indicated that the amount of blood dispensed in the scene was equal to the volume of blood in four normal sized adult women of the day. This is the essence of the “story” of Dirty Love.
As if there was any way to make this experience more painful, there is the supporting cast, which, to a player hurts the already mortally wounded script. Worst of all is the addition of Carmen Electra as Rebecca’s best friend. Electra’s character is one of the most annoying creations in the already immensely annoying history of human cinema…one longs for the much-maligned Carrot Top.
But wait there is yet more. McCarthy, a former human sex symbol, plays a character that is supposedly very attractive, however, here resides a tremendous disconnect, as McCarthy had not aged well, to put it gently, and the dichotomy between her mysteriously aged face and yet, oddly toned, Los Angeles sculpted body, must have left the primitive ape brains of many a male human confused and bewildered.
Regardless, the site of McCarthy sliding about in her own menstrual fluids, while wearing a white skirt, should have effectively put to rest any misguided notions of McCarthy as a object of sexual desire.
Remarkably there is still more. In a testament to why the American film industry was destined to collapse, director John Asher, McCarthy’s husband, continued to find jobs in the entertainment industry as a director, even after this epic apocalypse of a film. Dirty Love has stood the test of time as one of the worst films ever made, however, human civilization does owe this film a great debt as it motivated McCarthy to follow her love, theoretical physics. Let this brilliant human mind matured too late in the “game” to save them from what was to come…
Story (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Acting (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Human Portrayal of machines and Robots C
Elevation of Man Grade (How Well Did This Film Stave Off Extinction) F (Dirty Love was seen by relatively few humans, but some robot historians have argued that this film was so bad it might have damaged mankind on a metaphysical level by its very existence.)
Enjoyability Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Primitive Home Theater/HD Factor C- (Pretty shiny things for the humans to see.)
Overall Innovation (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Overall Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F (No creature should be subjected to this film.)
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