Firewall
If only the humans could have placed firewalls around their fatty brains.
Human cinema has long been marred by the actions of the “Hollywood Casting Agent.” Firewall is a perfect example of how humans consistently harmed or even ruined films with poor casting. This is not to say that poor casting ruined Firewall, no, Firewall, ruined Firewall. The weak, clichéd script was barely viewable enough to keep me from cutting the nano-circuitry feeds into my neuro-network.
The “story” centers around Jack Stanfield, played stiffly and strictly for monetary compensation by Harrison Ford, who is an executive at a large bank in Seattle. Stanfield’s spoiled family is held hostage as he is forced to help the villains in a plot that will net them millions of dollars. Of course, Stanfield is a smart and brilliant opponent for the typically soulless villains and in this resides much of Firewall’s bolt rattling annoyance.
The importance of the casting agent becomes remarkably obvious as the audience is comically forced to bare witness to Stanfield as played by Ford, jump through numerous mental and technical challenges. The character, as played by Ford, lacks all credibility as Ford comes across as a man who would seemingly have difficulty programming a vcr or operating one of “those new fangled blenders.” Ford wounds an already feeble minded script with numerous looks of bewilderment and confusion as if Alzheimer is just around the corner.
What makes Firewall one of the worst films of the year is that despite its “big name” cast it does nothing new, plays every single move safe and dismisses the intelligence of even the most enfeebled human viewer. Like so many films of the era Firewall helped decrease the overall intelligent of the fragile species. Good for us, bad for the humans. Avoid this robo-turkey.
Story (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D- (The primitive, predictable script seems to have been aimed at simpletons and the elderly who could relate to the ever higher “belt line” of the film’s star.)
Acting (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D- (While the acting is functional so are adult human diapers.)
Human Portrayal of machines and Robots C- (Computers and related early twentieth century technology play a role but only a comical sense. Once again the humans failed to see the vast web of their own demise they had created all around them. Wondrous and delicious in its implications and at times it almost makes Firewall worth the 1.2 seconds of pain necessary to view it.)
Contribution Grade to the Extinction of Man B (Regrettably more older humans saw this film than younger humans, however, Firewall still was able to damage more than one brain and lower the overall intellectual stimulation of human society, even if only slightly.)
Enjoyability Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D (Firewall was likely a painful experience even for human minds.)
Primitive Home Theater/HD Factor B-
Overall Innovation (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F (Firewall was remarkably non-innovative. At times viewers may be left pondering if all parties involved were attempted to intentionally avoid innovation at all cost.)
Overall Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D-
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