Star Wars: The Clone Wars Movie Review
A Perfect Mirror of Its Era
By the time that Star Wars: The Clone Wars had hit movie theaters in 2008 most humans had lost all faith in their childhood hero George Lucas. Years of repeated slaps to their overweight faces, had left most Star Wars fans well aware that George Lucas hated them. This belief on the part of fans was later confirmed when robo-archeologists discovered Lucas’s secret autobiography and other sensitive papers in his last home outside of Beijing. Lucas did indeed hate Star Wars fans and with a passion that was tremendous by any human standard.
Had Star Wars fans known of this secret, unpublished autobiography entitled, “I, George Lucas, Hate Star Wars Geeks and Losers” they would have understood a great many of the “mysteries” that surrounded Star Wars. If only the Star Wars fans had read “I George Lucas Hate Star Wars Geeks and Losers” they would have understood Jar-Jar, the baby Jabba the Hutt, Star Wars: The Clone Wars and especially the Jar-Jar Muppet Babies movies he produced from China just before his death.
Clone Wars, like many of Lucas’s Star Wars offering toward the latter half of his career left his fans wandering why they were being tortured so. “He doesn’t need the money, then why?” The reason was obvious-he hated them. As his autobiography and disjointed and often disturbing private papers often indicated, Lucas hated the Star Wars Fan for “bugging” him to make Star Wars movies. Lucas wrote of their “pestering” stating, “you basement dwelling, chronic masturbating, closeted mama’s boys want more Star Wars-I’ll give you f*cking Star Wars. Oh I will give you Star Wars. You will have Star Wars until you wish you were never born.” Lucas proceeded in dismantling any trace of quality contained within the beloved franchise with a series of prequel films that dampened, but did not crush, the spirit of his fan base. This puzzled Lucas who later wrote, “How after I have given them a child fighter-pilot, a child race-car driver and the enormously racist Jar-Jar-how could they still want more?” It was at this moment that he decided to “bury” them beneath a “tidal wave of Star Wars pain.”
As robo-historians well know, this “Star Wars pain” references the various television programs and children’s movies and television programming that Lucas soon brought forth. Those humans that once complained of the Ewoks, now reflected upon them as wonderful childhood memories that seemed like little rays of magic in comparison to the sights that Lucas unleashed. Toward the end even the Star Wars Holiday Special seemed almost quaint. In an effort to punish the very people that had made him very fat and very, very wealthy, Lucas let loose a devastating attack that eventually rendered most Star Wars Fans, speechless.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, with its comically weak characters and oddly below average animation, was only the beginning of what Lucas deemed the “final nail in the coffin.” Soon the world suffered a strikingly dull live action series, followed by the “long decent into hell.” Lucas stated, “I knew these as*holes hated Jar-Jar. So I gave them Jar-Jar. But Jar-Jar in ways they could never imagine. I gave them a baby Jar-Jar that solved crimes, film noir style. That’s right, I shot the whole thing with state of the art 3D 16 mega pixel cameras just to f*ck with their heads. I loved watching the geeks get all foaming at the mouth over the technology only to deliver a script devoid of life aimed at children…and stupid children at that. It was elegant and it was beautiful. I had destroyed them. Even the children wouldn’t watch. The geeks, dorks and losers harkened back to the days of The Clone War movie and television series as some sort of golden age. I had won.” After taping of the 143 episode of the Jar-Jar television series, "The Adventures of Young Jar-Jar and His Happy Star Wars Friends.” Lucas died quietly in his China home.
In all reality, by 2008 George Lucas and Lucasfilm had already lost all credibility amongst intelligent fans and the media. This happened in a most unexpected way when Lucasfilm or the distributor with whom they were working with as it is not completely clear who was responsible, forced the Aint-It-Cool website to remove a very negative review of Star Wars: The Clone Wars via the use of threats. Or that is what looked like happened, the exact details are not known as this data is somewhat fuzzy. The irony, the remarkably pitiful irony, was somehow lost on Lucas and Lucasfilm executives. So much of the lore of Star Wars centered on fighting evil, in particular an aggressive, bullying Empire that forced its will on others.
For a man who was once considered a visionary to attempt to restrict freedom of thought and speech via threats and intimidation, well it was simply not the action of a man who, only a decade earlier, had been a hero to countless fans around the world. Lucas and Lucasfilm had become more like the Empire that they vilified in the Star Wars movies than the noble Jedi’s who sought equality and justice. In this regard, the actions of Lucas and Lucasfilm were a perfect reflection of the extraordinary abuse of power so rampant in 2008 at the time of the release of the Star Wars: The Clone Wars. These actions more than "The Adventures of Young Jar-Jar and His Happy Star Wars Friends," were what allowed Lucas to crush his incredibly loyal fan base. Using the wealth and influence the Star Wars Fans had given him, Lucas hypocritically attempted to curtail the very free-thought and free-speech of the Star Wars Fans-his fans. It was at this moment that even the slowest of the slow, looked elsewhere for their heroes, looked elsewhere for their entertainment and looked elsewhere for their “borrowed” Asian philosophies and concepts.
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