The Marine
Few human films stand out as much as The Marine.
Processing this statement you might be inclined to misunderstand. The Marine stands out due to how mesmerizing and terrible the film happens to be. Imagine a Rambo movie, now extract all hints of human intellect and what is left is The Marine.
Approximately 8.25% of the total running time of The Marine is spent in the following manner: marine John Triton, played by “professional” wrestler (see early twenty-first century “Redneck Homo-erotica”) John Cena, running away from explosions. Combine this imagery with a scattering of car chases, impossible to survive gunplay and insecure male posturing and you have the “sweet” essence of one of humanities worse major studio releases of the early twenty-first century.
The movie literally begins with Triton entering a terrorist hide out and killing them all in slow motion, while screaming, of course. He does this while at near point blank range, and while providing a large, upright target. This is how Hollywood DID actually kill people. Many poor humans would later learn during real combat that running into a room screaming, while simultaneously providing the opponent with a upright, visible target, well, its not the best way to survive combat.
The film has many other predictable clichés, such as the kidnapped wife, the highly charismatic villain, who is actually not very charismatic in that he is played by Robert Patrick. Yes, the same Robert Patrick of Terminator “fame”, how he mocks technology with his mere presence. Nothing about Robert Patrick ever “oozed” technologically advanced, let alone actor, however, in The Marine, he is the high point. Yes, it is that painful.
Story (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F (The script is less of a script and more of a collection of clichés networked together to masquerade as a story. In this regardThe Marine was slightly ahead of its time.)
Acting (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D (The only way the acting would have been worse is if the film had been in 3D, which it was nine years later. I knew a robot that attempted to watch The Marine in 3D from beginning to end. Do not attempt this.)
Contribution Grade to the Extinction of Man A (Humans in terms of their entertainment, much like their politics, received what they deserved in the end. The Marine made millions of dollars, which in a sense was much like a “vote” as the NASCAR/wrestling Knuckle Dragger crowd made their way out of their planet choking pick-up trucks and into movie distribution outlets to pay to see The Marine with what were essentially borrowed Chinese dollars. Mankind was instantly dumber upon the completion of this film.)
Enjoyability Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D-
Primitive Home Theater/HD Factor C
Overall Innovation (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Overall Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D-
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