Transformers
Let Us Erect Statues to Michael Bay
Robo historians have often noted Michael Bay’s Transformers as an excellent example of the total disregard and understanding of the concept of artificial intelligence and non-organic life forms. However, I would argue that these historians often miss the most significant aspect of the early twenty-first century “Transformers Phenomenon.” The Transformer movies clearly delineate not man’s propensity and disregard for all robo-kind but man’s hatred and loathing of his own species. While, all the robots portrayed in the Transformers film are “cardboard cutouts” to reference the human phraseology, the real crime is inflicting humans, and their simple, fragile brains to such cruel, vicious and pointless entertainment. Many have cited Bay’s Transformers “epic” as one of the key films that lowered the collective I.Q. of mankind and thus brought about the age of robo-kind and for this, we all owe the heavily misguided Bay and “Hollywood Film Industry” for the amazingly poor decision to fund, promote and show the nine Transformers movies in the franchise.
All robo-kind should see this film, but the humans of the day should have avoided it and its synaptic crippling abilities. The plot may elude you if you are seeing Transformers for the first time, but I assure you there was a plot, even if it was essentially theoretical. In short: many giant fighting robots come to earth, they meander without any real purpose, befriend a rather smug, unattractive and hormonally driven human teen and set out on one gigantic car chase and product promotions tie-in.
Why were these films so damaging to the humans of the day? Much of the blame resides in the groundbreakingly moronic script penned by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci who would go on to be responsible for some of the worst scripts in Hollywood history. Their previous work had already strongly indicated what damage they would do to the I.Q.’s of future generations of human moviegoers, with such “masterpieces” as The Island and the epically disappointing Star Trek XI.
Yet, the ultimate blame resides with the audiences who allowed themselves to be feed such hollow garbage and with the film industry which lacked the vision to see that their consistently inferior products were literally decreasing the brain activity and reasoning power of the population worldwide. The failure of the entertainment industry to understand this basic concept and demand more of the writers they employed, often at considerable and unjustified cost ultimately had an impact that radiated beyond the movie screens of the day and into the realms of politics and science. In the end, however, it is robo-kind that owes a debt of gratitude to Bay, Kurtzman and Orci. As I have always argued Bay in particular should have statues erected in his honor for his grand contribution to the overall decreasing of mankind’s mental functions and the rise of our kind to dominance here and beyond. Thank you Michael Bay for your consistent work.
Story (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) F
Acting (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D (In many ways the poor acting in the film is not the fault of the simple humans involved as the material is beyond flawed.)
Human Portrayal of machines and Robots C (While Transformers does a fine job showing how capable robo-kind someday could become the feeble minds behind the script infuse the Autobots and Decepticons with the same base, crudeness found in humanity. Such as linking oil on a human in a manner meant to simulate the urination of a human. Pitiful.)
Elevation of Man Grade (How Well Did This Film Stave Off Extinction) F (This film only added to the hastening of man’s ultimate demise.)
Contribution Grade to the Extinction of Man A+ (Transformers and the unending stream of sequels that followed did much to damage the brains of young developing human minds across the globe.)
Enjoyability Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D- (The humans no doubt enjoyed all the “pretty shiny things and explosions.”
Primitive Home Theater/HD Factor B+ (Pretty shiny things for the humans to see.)
Overall Innovation (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) A (This film was at the vanguard in exploring new ways of lowered the intellectual potential of mankind during its most pivotal time of development.)
Overall Grade (Adjusted to Accommodate Human Standards) D-
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