Title: Blades of Glory
Genre: Comedy/Sport
Cast: Will Ferrell, Jon Heder, Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Jenna Fischer, Craig T. Nelson …
Director: Josh Gordon/Will Speck
Release: (2007)
----Public Service Announcement – Actual review begins next section----
As any of my legions of lusty-eyed fans will tell you, I am pretty much the most humble and unassuming guy you’ll ever have the privilege to share a planet with (it’s one of the things that makes me so great). So you can be sure it is no exaggeration when I tell you that the fact that I have survived to even write this review is quite probably the greatest triumph of human spirit on record in the history of everything everywhere ever. You see, I have only ever walked out on two movies in my entire life (and one of them wasn’t even Brad Pitt’s steely-eyed, cancer-causing* epic Troy – so you know I’m hardcore). And with each of those that I did, I was at least able to stomach a good hour or so of visual boric acid and verbal diarrhea in THX Dolby Digital sound, in an effort to give the movie an honest chance, before buckling from the pain and fleeing for cover.
But never, have I ever even considered walking out on a PREVIEW, and the movie I actually came to see be damned. But my efforts to see Blades of Glory this weekend were very nearly derailed by the two minutes in a mental iron maiden that was the trailer for Larry the Cable Guy’s latest redneck minstrel show, Delta Farce. Needless to say, I survived, but I mention this only as a fair warning. Should you choose to go out and see this (Blades) or any other film currently in wide release, you are putting yourself and your loved ones at tremendous risk of the same irreparable damage. If you must go to a movie in the next few months, I would suggest either avoiding the previews altogether or bringing a faux-yokel hack-detecting parakeet in with you to fly by the projection room and make sure the coast is clear. But since I did have to endure it, I would like to at least offer one suggestion to Mr. the Cable Guy for his next project, in case he happens to be having this review read to him. Ready, sir? Here it is: You, just standing there, giving the finger right into the camera and giggling for two straight hours while money rains down and piles up to fill the entire room behind you. I really think this could be your Philadelphia. Just send me half a mil if you’re interested in seeing a script and I’ll git ‘er dun.
* - This statement has not been proven by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. But it hasn’t been disproven, either.
----End PSA----
Now, where was I? Ah, yes, Blades of Glory. Despite my foul mood by the time this movie started, it was still pretty enjoyable – which means it’s actually probably even a little better than I’m about to review it. If you’ve seen so much as a poster for this movie you probably pretty much understand the entire premise and plot of it. Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) and Brian MacElroy (Jon Heder) are the reigning Agassi and Sampras of American men’s figure skating. But when their rivalry comes to a head after finishing in a tie for gold at the Stockholm Skating Something-Or-Other Summit, things boil over into on-ice fisticuffs, with hilarious consequences for all.
In an effort to presumably distance themselves from any figure skaters suspected of using the banned substance testosterone, the International Skating Federation commissioner (William Daniels) brings down the hammer and bans the two skaters from competition for life. Fast forward three and a half years later to find Michael Michaels and MacElroy struggling still to adapt to life on the outside, when new hope is brought to MacElroy in the form of his most obsessive stalker (Nick Swardson). Turns out there is a loophole in the rules that says a banned skater is barred only from their original division, but makes no mention of competing in a different one – meaning singles competition was still out, but the door was wide open to a return in pairs skating. MacElroy jumps and re-enlists his old coach (Craig T. Nelson – more on this later) to help him get back. A series of wacky events take place that eventually leads to Michael Michaels signing on as his partner and the silliness ensues from there. Said silliness may include, but not be limited to: (a) people being comically injured, (b) preposterously tight and tacky clothes being paraded, (c) outrageously homoerotic poses being struck, (d) hilarious new catch-phrases being produced for mass consumption, (e) products being unabashedly placed, and (f) the long-forgotten comedic art of man-on-man scissoring being resurrected. I won’t give away the ending, but they win.
If you could somehow ingest a greasy bucket of Biggie fries with your eyes and ears instead of your mouth, this is pretty much what it would be like. Cooked up with an addicting excess of empty calories and tasty, tasty trans fats, this movie is, in essence, comfort food for the senses. You know exactly what you’re getting, which is what you want and why you’ll like it. This movie will inevitably follow the same life trajectory of its predecessors, starting first with big box office numbers; followed soon by the dissemination of its catchphrases into the vocabulary of frat boys and young, frustrated cubicle dwellers who are starting to feel the sting of their Borat quips fade; the whole thing will catch a big second breath when the first wave of the DVD tsunami washes over the country; and finally it will settle into a nice, long, comfortable retirement on the $9.88 DVD aisle rack in front of the electronics section of Wal-marts nationwide. Still, if you plan on trying to pass for a male between the ages of 16-45 in America during the next few years you should probably see this at least once to avoid suspicion.
I do have a few general thoughts on some highlights to watch for along the way, before I bottomline the whole thing for you. One, I loved the idea of reviving Hayden Fox as the coach in this movie. They never did the whole backstory on him, but in reading between the lines I am pretty sure that it is implied that he had a late mid-life crisis and, after leaving the Breakers, finally came out to Christine that he had been gay all along and was overcompensating to try to hide it in his career as football coach. Following his getting slaughtered in the divorce settlement, he started a new life by turning his coaching talents to figure skating – his one true passion, which he had always secretly practiced on the frozen lake by his cabin for all those years in Minnesota. Given some of their similarities, it also seems like it would have been a no-brainer, ending twist to reveal that Dauber was really Brian MacElroy’s biological father. I’m guessing they probably just couldn’t afford Bill Fagerbakke. The only thing that could have made this subplot any more satisfying would have been if just once he could have thrown in an, “Ahh, jeez, Chazz. You guys are killing me here!”
Another highlight was the tremendous CGI effects in the backgrounds of some of these scenes. Pay attention during some of the skating scenes and you’ll notice that they were actually able to fill the backgrounds in to make it look like the entire stadiums were sold out for a men’s figure skating competition. I’m not sure how they did that, but I’m thinking maybe they offered to pay people to watch figure skating and told them they would be in a movie, too, and with both together they were able to scrape together enough people to fill in one whole section (with maybe just a few cardboard cut-outs to fill in the gaps). Then they probably just copied and replicated that same section into all the other sections in post. I’ll freeze frame it to check my theory when the DVD comes out and let you know.
It’s also kind of fun to watch real-life athletes and sportscasters turn stiff as a Roman column when trying to recite one line of script on a movie set. Jim Lampley follows up an equally uncomfortable performance in Rocky Balboa with a display of emotional range here that makes K.I.T.T. look like Dustin Hoffman. Lamps has got to be right up there with Brett Favre and Max Kellerman for most awkward sports personality movie cameos of all time by now. We can all thank/assassinate the Farrelly Brothers for this.
Overall, Blades of Glory is definitely in the top ten million sports comedies of 2007 and I highly recommend you see it (or Happy Gilmore, or Talladega Nights, or The Waterboy, or just wait for Ferrell’s next upcoming wacky sports comedy Semi-Pro, it’s all pretty much the same thing). Until then, “You stay classy San Die-,” er, I mean, “You’re welcome, Stockholm.” (Classic).
Grading
Story: C
Acting: B-
Visuals: B
Originality/Innovation: D
Enjoyability: A
Overall: B+
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