Pirates of the Caribbean: Special Edition Trilogy Review
To Whom It May Concern,
If you are reading this, it can mean only one of two things. Either it has made it to publication and I have survived this foolhardy experiment, or you are some sort of forensic technologist and I have not. Over the next two days I will attempt to watch all three episodes of Disney’s blockbuster, pirate drag-queen trilogy and review them as a whole. Do not ask how this idea began, for I can assure you it seemed perfectly logical at the time. Somewhere along the way it just began to snowball out of control, and I find myself now staring down into the abyss, trembling as it calls out my name. If I don’t make it through alive, tell my mirror I love it. Let’s do this.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Medium: DVD
Genre: Action/Adventure/Comedy/Fantasy
Cast: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley …
Director: Gore Verbinski
Release: (2003)
“What do you say to three schillings, and we forget the name?” Take this quote and lock it away safe in your vault of trivial knowledge. If you’re ever called upon to, you’ll be the first of those avatars you call friends to know that it was the first line of dialogue spoken by Captain Jack Sparrow, a character soon to join the ranks of such luminaries as Han Solo and Lucas Jackson on the list of great, flawed movie heroes of all-time, in part one of Disney’s high-seas adventure, cash-cow trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean. Of course the great irony of this line is that, as long as there remain fans of American cinema, it seems unlikely that anyone will ever forget the name Jack Sparrow, nor that of his architect Johnny Depp. Depp may have already been tap-dancing around legendary status, with a deep cache of critical acclaim for his wide-ranging quirky resume of characters, but the crossover appeal of this one to pop culture icon will be what forever nails down permanent A-list status for him in the eyes of many.
The Curse of the Black Pearl is the story of one legendary swashbuckler, Sparrow, and two reluctantly involved ones, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley), as they find themselves caught on the wrong side of both the British Navy and a rogue ship of zombie pirates. Seems reasonable enough. But before anyone starts piling on to the scriptwriters or anyone else for some of the logical oddities of this, let’s remember a few things. One, this movie was originally conceived and produced to promote an amusement park ride at Walt Disney World. No one ever meant for this to be a complex story that would stand alone over time. It was meant to make people spend fifty dollars to stand in line for eighty minutes to ride a raft through a tunnel. (Which I did, more on this later). In fact, if it weren’t for the overwhelming reaction to Depp’s original take on Sparrow, this movie would probably have long since been forgotten as an irrelevant footnote in kid’s movie history. Anyone remember The Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy? How about Haley Joel Osment in The Country Bears? Two other equally shameless promotions of other Disney World rides? Didn’t think so, but that’s as it should be and as it was probably expected to be. Before we get too picky about the plotline and details of The Curse of the Black Pearl, let’s just keep this in perspective: no one would care about this movie, no one would remember this movie and it probably would have never even had one sequel if not for the performance of Johnny Depp alone.
Alright, calm down here Rosie. You’re doing the whole trilogy, time to start pacing. From the looks of the box office and DVD numbers, I’m just going to assume that you’ve all seen this movie already and skip over explaining the rest of the plot. Let me mention a few things I did find interesting in this movie, aside from the obvious big-sea action experiences and eccentricities of Depp’s Sparrow. The whole marriage tension between Elizabeth and Commodore Norrington was just a little too creepy following the opening scene where we see him privately lusting after her as the pre-teen governor’s daughter. He’s got to be already late in his twenties and you can practically see him doing the math in his head while he’s looking at her. Probably could have cut that little bit of backstory out. Also, I remember when this movie first came out and everyone piled on about what a great, fun plot twist it was when we first see the bad pirates as zombie-skeleton-monster things. Where were all these people seven years earlier when I was the only one I knew who thought Tarantino’s 180-degree, vampire U-turn in the middle of From Dusk Till Dawn was just as brilliant and twice as brave? It’s been done before, people – and better. I also just have to say that I just don’t get the whole Orlando Bloom thing. Never have, never will. Don’t know why people like him, don’t know who thinks he’s good-looking, don’t know who thinks he’s a good actor, I just don’t know. He’s like the male Jennifer Love Hewitt to me, I’ll just never understand what it is about either of them.
Overall, The Curse of The Black Pearl, was just a great fun blockbuster adventure, made so largely by the contributions of its leading man. Kids will probably love a lot more about it, because kids are stupid, but Captain Jack Sparrow adds that extra layer that makes it one of those rare movies that truly has something for everyone to enjoy. Of course, I still have about six hours of Sparrow’s act ahead of me on this voyage – so ask me again after the next one if he’s starting to wear thin.
Grading
Story: B-
Acting: A- (A+ for Depp, B/B+ for everyone else)
Visuals: A
Originality/Innovation: B (Some A-worthy effects and characters, but the whole thing is still based on a 40 year-old ride)
Enjoyability: A-
DVD Extras: Uh-uh, no way, not part of the deal. I’m watching all three of these increasingly long movies in a row. Sorry, I can’t watch these too – not worth the risk.
Overall: A-
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Medium: DVD
Genre: Action/Adventure/Comedy/Fantasy
Cast: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley …
Director: Gore Verbinski
Release: (2006)
When we return to Port Royal, life is finally getting back to normal with the hijinks of Jack Sparrow (Depp) and the havoc of the undead pirate zombies now receding into their collective memory. Here’s what’s going on: Elizabeth (Kneightley) and Will (Bloom) are all about to get married and have like a million gazillion babies. But right before they do, these guys from the East India Trading Company come and they’re all like “Psych! We’re the boss now and you two are in jail.” And Will is all like, “What?” And Elizabeth’s all like, Oh no you di’n’t.” And the East India guy is like “Oh yes we di’.” And Will is all like, “Weak.” But then the East India guy says, “Well ah, looky here, maybe we can work something out. I need this crazy magic thing from Jack Sparrow so I can be like a god or some shit, so if you can get me that, maybe you and your girl can do your thing.” So will is like, “A’ight.”, you know.
And from there, they’re off. Will sets off to chase after Jack, Elizabeth sets off to chase after Will, and Jack runs around flailing his arms like a girl and getting into one hilarious predicament after another. More specifically, they are all racing to collect the pieces needed to claim the (literal) heart of the squid-faced sea lord Davy Jones – each for their own reasons. Along the way the battles and chases become increasingly bigger, more confusing and sillier (or more fun to watch, depending on what you like). At every port along the way, our shining, white heroes encounter and survive brushes with all sorts of mysterious, savage, ethnic stereotypes. I don’t care who you are, you really have to tip your hats to the Disney corporation sometimes. In an age where hypersensitive special interest types pee their pants every time a joke not of the knock-knock variety gets out over the airwaves, Disney whips up the most clucking, dancing, screaming tribal stereotypes imaginable to play the bumbling foils to a dashing, swashbuckling white hero who literally (in a kid’s movie) says things like “I love rum.” and “Rum is good.”, and no one ever says anything about it. Brilliant.
So, after two installments here’s where we stand. I liked the first one better, but this one was not bad. Bigger action, zanier adventures, but the plot is becoming a little more difficult to follow. I think when they made the first one they just made it to be what it was – a promotional pirate movie to make some money and inject a fresh dose of Disneyana into a new generation to feed into their theme parks. Once they realized they had a hit on their hands and optioned the sequels, though, it feels like they scrambled a little to try to make these stories more meaningful or complicated or compelling or something. Probably the wrong direction to be moving, but the action and fun hold up and Depp’s Sparrow routine is still pretty fresh. Orlando Bloom’s act, however, is wearing really, really thin. And I don’t even know if he’s doing an act.
I’ll see you in hell, Jack Sparrow! By which, of course, I mean the very crowded Memorial Day weekend multiplex I’ll be going to later to see the next episode. Save me a seat.
Grading
Story: C
Acting: A-
Visuals: A
Originality/Innovation: A-
Enjoyability: B
DVD Extras: Go ask someone else.
Overall: B+
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Medium: Theatrical Release
Genre: Action/Adventure/Comedy/Fantasy
Cast: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley …
Director: Gore Verbinski
Release: (2007)
As I entered this movie, the twenty-something ticket-taker in a Jack Sparrow wig said to me, “First theatre on your lef’, mate.” In his best lazily effeminate cockney. I didn’t punch him in the face, and I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable to expect someone might nominate me for some kind of humanitarian of the year award for that. Just putting it out there.
So, I didn’t really go into detail about how the second movie ended because it’s left with a sort of pseudo-cliffhanger ending, but it will be hard to talk about how this one gets started without also revealing that. Let’s just say that, Will (Bloom) and Elizabeth (Kneightley) find themselves still caught up in the growing feud between the East India Trading Company and the last of the pirates for control of the seas. In this feud, they find that they need to try to lead a new crew to save Jack (Depp) from a fate he had been left to in the last installment. As this begins to unfold, it hit me exactly what it was that’s been bothering me about the last two episodes of this trilogy, which I’ll elaborate on in a moment. As far as the rest of the plot goes, I think it was something about pirates of the world coming together and making one last stand for their own survival against the rise of the new merchant fleets squeezing them out. Though at least 6 to 8 hours of this movie focused entirely on two boats spinning around each other in a maelstrom and engaging in extended somersault fights. Let me also just say this, I know this is a new release and people don’t like spoilers, but something happens on the deck of the ship involving Will, Elizabeth, and Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) that was so hideously and infuriatingly awful that I was literally considering calling my boss, quitting my job, dropping out of school, selling my furniture, breaking my lease and driving to Hollywood to find Orlando Bloom and just keep kicking him in the stomach until he apologized to me for taking part in it. Luckily I didn’t bring my cell phone into the theatre and so the whole thing just never got started.
But here is what I realized that had been bothering me about these sequels. I could tell during the second one that they were trying to get too ambitious and instead of just making two more pirate movies, make epics about love and betrayal and tragedy and triumph and all that other stuff that directors who can’t just admit that they like the big studio paychecks like to pretend their blockbusters are “really” about. But instead of actually at least doing it on their own, here they are just totally ripping off Star Wars. As soon as I realized it, I saw it everywhere. This trilogy is just trying to be Sea Wars. The way Captain Jack is left at the end of Dead Man’s Chest, and the way Will and Elizabeth have risen to pirate prominence and lead the mission to rescue him at the beginning of At World’s End plays out exactly the same as the when Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite across Empire and Jedi. The uncertainties of the love triangle between Jack, Will and Elizabeth is exactly the same as the dynamics between Han, Luke, and Leia for most of that trilogy (when it was a trilogy). The crew of the Black Pearl (like the Rebel Alliance) is caught fighting for justice and survival between the alternately conspiring and warring East India Trading Company (Republic) and evil sea-beasties (Empire). And yes, I know thematically speaking, these stories could be said to all be plagiarized from any number of sources from Greek mythology to spaghetti westerns. But the similarities between Pirates and Star Wars is often just too blatant to ignore. I mean, you go watch this movie and look at Keira Knightley when Elizabeth becomes pirate king (sorry) and tell me she does not look and sound exactly like Natalie Portman as Queen Amidala. I literally think they used some of the same, leftover costumes from Phantom Menace for these scenes. There are a few other similarities, but I’ll leave the rest for you to decide, by which I mean watch and agree with me.
As far as action and story goes, this is the biggest, silliest, most confusing, most overreaching one of the bunch. I am glad to report that Captain Jack Sparrow remains as likable as ever, and provides a few moments of much needed wit in this one, as well. Jerry Bruckheimer swears this is the last one, but they clearly leave the door open to a new adventure for Jack as we see him sail off into the horizon with a new map in hand for a new adventure (oh please, like you really thought there was a chance he might die in this one and I just ruined it for you). I’ll sum up the grades for this one below and then tie up a few loose ends about the whole experience those who’ve been paying attention all the way through.
Grading
Story: D
Acting: A-
Visuals: A (but often close to becoming just too much)
Originality/Innovation: F (George Lucas should sue)
Enjoyability: B-
DVD Extras: Never!
Overall: B-
Final Thoughts
Pirates is obviously just a mega-, mega-blockbuster that is destined to become part of our culture for a long time to come. Despite the baggage that might come along with that in the eyes of some, the legitimacy of adding Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow to the rolls of legendary film characters should never be doubted. It is a truly original take on the deeply entrenched and long unchallenged “avast-ye-mateys”, type of pirate that he could have easily settled for. And because it’s been so co-opted, promoted and marketed for mass consumption now, it could be easy to forget what a major, major risk he was taking with that character originally. But in the end, this all still comes back to a promotion for a theme park boat ride – and if I convince you of nothing else in all this, I pray that it is this: don’t go on that stupid, f*#&ing ride.
I went last summer and fell for the whole thing hook, line and sinker. I had gone once before and as a young scallywag and remembered it being a nice, interesting, ultimately pretty mild ride. Basically just the “It’s a Small World” ride with different animatronic robots and songs. But since the explosion of Curse of The Black Pearl, interest blew up and by the time I went to Disney World last summer, there were signs everywhere screaming at me about the “all-new” Pirates of the Caribbean ride, promising to take me along for some new adventures with Jack Sparrow. So I went, of course. I was already there, right? My sister and I stood in line for almost two hours with a whole army of other eye-patch wearing, curvy-sword waving maroons just like us and by the time we got up to a boat, these motherf*&#ers had the nerve to send us on a five minute boat ride that was the exact same thing as before, with just a few new Jack Sparrow mannequins here and there inserted along the way. Damn you, Walt Disney! I hope your head melts in a lab fire.
Bottom line, go to the movies, don’t go to the ride and if you haven’t yet, don’t have kids – or else you’ll have to do both over and over again. Kids are stupid.
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