Title: Shoot ‘Em Up
Cast: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci, …
Genre: Action/Adventure/Eye Cocaine
Director: Michael Davis
Release: (2007)
From the very (BLAM!) get go, director Michael Davis’ (BLAM!) high octane (BLAM! BLAM!), low brain-strain action distraction Shoot ‘Em Up is (SCRREEEEEECH!) a non-stop barrage of (“DUCK!”) sensory overstimulation that could only be described (BLAM! BLAM!) as what it must feel like to (“AAAAAAHHH!”) drop acid and then strap your head into a paint shaker.
This is usually the (PSSSSH!) point in a review where I would begin to lay (BLAM!) out some kind of basic (CRASH! ERRRRR!) plot synopsis to let you know exactly what this movie is (PSSSHEW! PSSSHEW! PSSSHEW!) about. However, as far as I can tell there was no plot to this movie at all. In fact, I can’t confirm this, but rumor has it that Ron Jeremy, Jenna Jameson, Jean Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman all passed on this script because of concerns about the plot. Which brings us to the actors who didn’t pass on it. As easy as it would otherwise be to entirely dismiss this movie, you can’t help but pause and wonder why (“HAVE SEX WITH ME!”) otherwise respectable actors Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti and Mon(“LOOK OUT!”)ica Bellucci all agreed to take part in this hollow, whiplash-inducing (BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!) remake of Gunfight at the A.D.D. Corral. There are only two possible reasons I could come up with for this. The first is obvious – (“JUMP!”) money. And I hope it was a crater full for each of them if that was the only reason. The second reason is that maybe (PSSSSH! ERRRRR!,BLAM! BLAM!) just maybe, there’s something more to this movie than first appears.
If you want to believe that there is any (“AAAARGH!”) shred of humanity or intelligence in any of these three actors, there is just no other option but (ERRRRR! VRRRRRR!) to believe that the latter is the case. And (“OH YEAH, OH BABY, LOOK OUT!”) a slightly closer look at Shoot ‘Em Up’s ridiculously over the top approach (the general formula for which looks something like: Contrived Confrontation → Terribly Punny One-Liner → Cue Super Hip Rock Song → Insanely Ridiculous Choregraphed Shootout → Even More Terribly Punny One-Liner → Repeat → Loop) reveals that this is probably (BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!) the case. The only way the existence of this movie makes any sense at all is if (KA-CHING, POP, PSSSSHEEW!) you allow yourself to believe that, with a wry smile and a barely perceptible wink, what director Michael Davis (BLAM!) and his cast of JV All-Stars are really attempting to do is create (“ON THE COUNT OF THREE …”) an entirely new genre: the not particularly funny or thought-provoking satire. I’m not sure is this is a genre we really needed anyone to create, but (“NOOOOOO!”) it is certainly preferable to believe that was their goal than to imagine that this movie was made with sincere intentions.
The brilliant (PSSSSSH, CRACK, “AAAAAAAAAGH!”) part about it is that it virtually shields itself from any serious criticism either way. If it’s for real, it’s too terrible to even acknowledge. If it’s a (BLAM, HISSSSSSS, PLISHOOM!) tongue-in-cheek send up of crappy action blockbusters, well, it’s still pretty stupid but I guess you can’t be so mad at them for trying.
(BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!) (Trickle… )
Grading
Story: (BLAM!)
Acting: (ERRRRRRRR-KSSHHHHH!)
Visuals: (BLAM! BLAM! “AAAAAAGH” )
Originality/Innovation: (PSSSHHHEW, BOOOOOOOM, “NOOOOOOO!”)
Enjoyability: (CRACK! PSSSSHHH! BLAM! “WAIT!”)
Overall: C (What? I give it a C.)
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