Title: The Last Time
Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance
Cast: Michael Keaton, Brendan Fraser, Amber Valletta, …
Director: Michael Caleo
Release: (2006)
Scientists, when not sitting around in their nerdarariums and hypothesizing about the mechanics of tongue-kissing, occasionally make some pretty cool discoveries. One of the more interesting of these, first theorized in 1928 by old-timey style nerd Paul Dirac, was the existence of antimatter. Basically, for those of you who have seen a member of the opposite sex naked before, antimatter is the identical negative of matter. Matter and antimatter are created simultaneously, exist separately and – most importantly for where I’m going with this – annihilate each other both out of existence if they come in contact again. Based on that principle, this is pretty much what I was expecting to happen when I first learned that some mad scientist had decided to put Michael Keaton and Brendan Fraser, the most thoroughly watchable and unwatchable actors in America respectively, together in the same movie.
That mad scientist’s name is Michael Caleo, a writer whose credits include one episode of The Sopranos, one episode of Rescue Me, an unknown number of episodes of Pop-up Videos, and … that’s about it. Having clearly accomplished all there was to accomplish as a writer, Caleo decided he was ready to move up into directing. This is very much like a guy who successfully housebreaks two different puppies and decides he’s ready to be a lion-tamer, except with messier results. The Last Time is an overstuffed, undercooked, stupid pot-pie that makes Keaton’s decision to do Herbie Fully Loaded seem defensible by comparison and makes Fraser’s forehead look like a drive-in movie screen. Ok, that last one might have already been like that.
Keaton plays Ted, a slick but grizzled vet of the sales game who could sell surge protectors in Amish country, but is becoming a little sick of the game and a lot sick of pretending he cares what anyone else thinks anymore. Fraser plays Jamie, a wet-eared, starry-eyed, golly-gee-willikers-type new hire, who gets assigned to train under Ted until he makes his first sale on his own. Basically this part of it is an incredibly formulaic buddy-cop film done with salesmen. Because of my fondness for Keaton and contempt for Fraser, it is with mixed emotions that I must also report the findings of my clinical observation of this movie, which is that the two did not annihilate each other out of existence when they came into contact with each other in any scene. Paul.
Amber Valletta also stars as Belisa, Jamie’s fiancée and the eventual object of Ted’s desire as well. The majority of the movie flops listlessly back and forth between unsharpened stabs at satirizing the cubicle and rental car culture of mid-level salesmen and unlikely twists in the love triangle between the three completely self-absorbed main characters. Along the way, Caleo tries to punch it up with a few embarrassingly forced visual metaphors and cringe-worthy attempts at double entendre. After about twenty seconds of listening to Belisa and Ted have a breathlessly suggestive conversation about “sales” – what makes him “so good at what he does”, compared to Jamie who tries but just can’t seem to “close the deal” (answer: Ted “sees what he wants and just takes it”) – I was just about ready to bury my head in the couch cushions and never look anyone in the eye again out of vicarious embarrassment for everyone involved. Kids, let this be a lesson to you – and I can’t stress this point enough – it’s all about the fundamentals. You really need to have that single entendre down cold before you even think about going for the double.
If I had to say one good thing about The Last Time, it would be that it once again confirmed my theory that Michael Keaton is the most watchable actor in America today. Every scene he is in, no matter how uninteresting the situation or the content of the dialogue, still holds your attention by the magnetic quality of his uniquely polished, rapid-fire, stop-and-go cadence and his perpetually-shifting-between-sarcastic-and-serious delivery. There is really no better word to describe this guy than just thoroughly and completely “watchable”. If any one of the major religions battling for supremacy on this silly, little, floating wet rock of ours would just have the marketing savvy to sign this guy to read their own holy book on DVD and tape – it’s OVAH’, Johnny! Your side wins. I wouldn’t even consider taking a six-figure-a-year job that required me to read the Bible every day, but I would absolutely pay extra every month for a cable channel that just looped nothing but Michael Keaton on a stool reading out loud from the Tanakh twenty-four hours a day.
If I had to say two good things about The Last Time, I would also mention that this movie has got to be in the all-time “that guy” hall of fame. Once you get past Keaton and Fraser – who I really wish was a “that guy” but, alas, is not – almost every other actor in this movie is a classic “that guy”. If you have a few friends and a few adult beverages around, trying to guess where you’ve seen all the actors in this movie from before is approximately a quizillion times more fun and interesting than paying attention to the story ever could be. Every time a new actor comes on screen, everyone has to try to name something else they’ve seen him in before. The first one to come up with one wins, everyone else has to drink. And this movie is perfect for everyone, from the casual movie fan to the socially-retarded film school grad student, because the “that guys” cover a wide range of recognizability. (*******NOTE: Names below link directly to IMDB page with pictures available in frame of window. Anyone planning on playing the “That Guy” game is on the honor system not to scroll down and read the movie credits. Honor the honor system!*******) From the borderline famous, like Daniel Stern and Neal McDonough, to the moderately recognizable, like Michael Lerner or Gary Grubbs, to the all-star challenge level guys, like Mike Hagerty and William Ragsdale. This game is perfect for all kinds of “mature” college kids looking for something to do on another Saturday night that they “decided” to “hang in” for, because they’re “just not into” guys or girls their “own age.” And I haven’t even mentioned the best part yet, if you play the game right, you just might get rewarded by passing out on the floor before being sucker-punched in the intelligence by the gawd-awful, infuriating, teeth-gnashing, remote-through-the-screen smashing, putridly insulting, surprise twist ending! You win!
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